CLEVELAND. An onstage performance at an arena rock concert by the self-styled "World's Loudest Human" turned into a wild melee after a chimpanzee rushed the stage and got into the act himself. Rock guitarist Mahavishnu Huntington Majors was soloing in front of a stack of Marshall amps when a member of the concert audience in a front row, later identified only as "Ozzie," threw a banana peel onto the stage in front of the strutting guitarist. "I just wanted to see him fall flat on his face, that's all," Ozzie later told reporters as police led him away. "I hate the fucker, I admit it. He makes my ears hurt. I don't care if they put me away for life. Ha!" Apparently Ozzie's pet chimpanzee, Iggy, who Ozzie had managed to sneak into the arena past security guards by dressing in baggy clothes, gloves, and a scarf that concealed his shaggy, anthropoidal face, believed that his owner had tossed his favorite food onto the stage in order to play "fetch." Assuming the banana was a snack, Iggy leapt onto the stage as the Mahavishnu was ripping through amazingly blazing riffs. Snatching the banana, Iggy inadvertently saved Majors from tripping over the peel. Then, realizing that his owner had eaten the tasty pulp inside and had left him with only the outer husk, the chimp went insane with rage. Beating his chest and howling in anger, the chimp then turned, picked up one of the Mahavishnu's spare guitars off a stand, and began smashing the instrument against an amplifier, creating earsplitting waves of mounting feedback that drove most of the listeners to race from their seats. Security guards and police finally subdued the mad chimp with a tranquilizer dart. The Mahavishnu was not even fazed. "Let's give Iggy a big round of applause," the World's Loudest Human appealed to the audience as the chimp was carried offstage. "He deserves it."

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LA. Beneath an old driveway of a long-abandoned rock club earth scientists have unearthed a cache of fossils of prehistoric mammoths and other beasts that once thundered across the landscape of a long-lost world of screaming giants. The remains of shaggy-haired mastodons, saber-toothed tigers, woolly black bisons and an array of other stone age animals have all been found in what reseracxhers have declared to be one of the greatest fossil finds ever made. Scientists claim that the nearly intact state of preservation of most of these animals is due to their having fallen into the La Brea Tar Pits, whose mineral content kept the remains in an amazingly lifelike state. "You can almost hear them roar, they're so lifelike," declared Izzy, chief paleontologist of the project. Perhaps the most amazing discovery among a host of amazing fossil finds, is the prehistoric cave man dredged from the bottom of the pit. This specimen of early human is not only incredibly well preserved, but seems to be clutching what at first appeared to be a spear or club, but on closer investigation turned out to be an early six-stringed instrument, perhaps an early guitar. Musicologist Mickster who investigated a similar "Guitar Man" remains at Stonehenge later identified as the "Cro-Maje Man" guitarist, has gone so far as to declare that this is yet another example of Cro-Maje Man, and Mickster has further stated that the guitar is perhaps the earliest Les Paul ever seen. "I've never seen an older Les Paul than this," Mickster declared. "And it's definitely a Paul, no mistake about it." The scientist called the attention of reporters to other aspects of the amazing find. "Note the severely contorted posture. This is the same prehistoric playing stance found at Stonehenge. Incredibly primitive, and impossible to duplicate by guitarists today." Mickster went on, "Then there's the hair. Very long, very straight. Take note of how it almost completely enshrouds the face of Cro-Maje Man, almost like a curtain. Such hair has not been seen since Led Zeppelin played the Royal Albert Hall, and that was long before the dawn of recorded human history." Although stating that there were probably years of investigation into the stunnng find still to come before a conclusive report could be issued, paleontologist Izzy was adament about one thing. "This," he said, "is without a doubt another example of prehistoric Cro-Maje Man, here in the United States. How it managed to cross the Atlantic is a mystery that we will one day find the answer to. For the moment," concluded Izzy, "we can only marvel."

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LONDON. Scientists at one of the nation's largest pharmaceutical companies have today released the stunning news of a wonder drug that portends to transform the lives of hardcore rock fans forever. The drug, which can selectively erase memories of unpleasant songs from the human brain, will give music fans what one expert declared to be "a new lease on life." Scientists experimenting with a hormone in the quest for a pill that could, according to researchers, "make womens' breasts grow larger without recourse to reconstructive surgery" stumbled onto the epochal find when chimpanzees exposed to the drug began to act strangely in the laboratory when the radio was turned on. "Previously," said drug researcher Oz, "the chimps went wild whenever top forties tunes from the sevneties and eighties began to play. The chimps began beating their chests and tearing at their hair when these songs came on. But after we gave them the drug, they suddenly got calm." Perplexed and surprised by the changed beheavor of the lab monkeys, the stunned scientists began to conduct tests to determine why. They soon saw enough evidence to hypothesize that the drug was doing what was seemingly thought impossible -- erasing the chimps' memories of the hated top forties music. Further tests on human subjects confirmed the findings. The new drug, scientists say, will alllow listeners to forget they ever heard any abnoxious songs, including ridiculous lyrics. Rock guitarist Mahavishnu Huntington Majors is rumored to have already been given the drug as a clinical test subject. "I can report that every song I ever heard by Three Dog Night, Bread and Leo Sayer are gone -- totally gone!" Reserachers will continue to test Majors. Next to be erased is Harry Chapin.

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SONG ISLAND. A pretty schoolteacher, apparently bored with the humdrum aspects of reading, writing and arithmetic, lived a double life. A schoolteacher by day, she became a rock groupie by night, obsessed with the World's Loudest Human, guitarist Mahavishnu Huntington Majors. Authorities say that the woman, whose identity remains a closely guarded secret, followed the Mahavishnu around the world, managing to sneak backstage where she approached the gutiarist with a plastic Chinese restaurant soup container full of what appeared to be tub 'n tile patch and a dull-edged putty knife. "She kept coming 'round saying that she wanted to cast me gecko in plaster," the Mahavishnu, interviewed on the BBC's "Rock Newshour" revealed in a candid moment. "I don't know what in the world she could have meant by this. I told her I didn't keep any lizards about, but she just broke up in laughter. Naturally I had security get rid of her, but she always kept coming back." Majors said he was glad that she was finally in the custody of authorities. "The bird was startin' to get on me nerves," he said. "All her talk about geckos and such. She was a bit of a loon, after all." Mahavishnu Majors is also trying to lose the phony British accent he somehow picked up, probably as a result of nervousness.

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