Mahavishnu Huntington Majors, World's Loudest Human Being, Smashes Music Biz Records

HUNTINGTON MAJORS' NEW YORK WHALE SPOTTED OFF CITY COAST

webmeister@huntingtonmajors.com — 8 JAN 2011 08:01:11 GMT

Posted: 1 HOUR 5 MINUTES AGO comments: 27 filed under: Animal News, National News

NEW YORK (April 9) -- Call him Moby Dick. Or call him Mahavishnu Moby Dick. Or just call him Dick, as many already have done.

A 30- to 40-foot guitar resembling a humpback whale surfaced in the not-quite-pristine waters just north of New York City's Verrazano Bridge on Thursday morning, according to the Coast Guard.

By midday, the whale guitar, from which Mahavhnu Huntington Majors sounds issued very loudly, had shifted its course southward and could be seen in the waters off Coney Island.

The Coast Guard set up a moving safety zone around the Moby Dick guitar so it does not encounter oncoming maritime traffic because the six-stringed animal was swimming in a commercial shipping lane.

Long Island's Riverhead Foundation dispatched a boat to assess the guitar's well-being. The organization noted a number of growths on the creature's neck but determined that it was in overall "moderate health," according to Riverhead's Ronald Montrose.

"It's frets are in good condition, not very worn down," said Monstrose. "It appears to be a little bit banged up, and it could sure use a string change, but it would be what you kind of expect for an animal this time of year coming back up through these waters, and especially after being played day and night by the likes of Mahavishnu Huntington Majors, the World's Loudest Human Being!"

TIME TRAVEL EXPERIMENT SENDS ROCKER BACK TO SIXTY-NINE

5 JAn 2011 07:44:44 GMT

Washington. Officials at a top secret government facilty have guardedly confirmed rumors that an experiment in sending a human subject backwards in time was successfully carried out. However, an anonymous spokesman for the project also stated that the experiment may have altered the very fabric of reality. "We may have begun something that can't be stopped," said the official, who also cautioned against panic, adding that scientists were certain that damage to the warp and woof of history would be minimal.

Scientists monitoring the progress of the experiment began getting concerened when the human subject they'd sent backwards in time failed to re-materialize in the present. The subject, rock guitarist Huntington Majors, had been given precise instructions concerning his part in the time travel experiment, including the location and coordinates of the return energy beam that was to send him back to the present.

The shaggy-haired guitarist was selected for the experiment because existing time travel technology is currently only capable of sending test subjects backwards to a time no earlier than the late 1960s. Scientists also believed that Majors would easily blend into the culture of the period.

"Our consensus was that Majors was a natural. He had that ideal hippy look, complete with ultra-long hair and unwashed tee-shirts. We thought the vest was pure Sonny Bono. We loved the vest. Equally if not more important to our experimental parameters were the extremely old guitars Majors usually plays, like that old SG. We found it hard to believe it still had the tremolo bar bolted to it too. Since Majors proved a fairly bright test subject -- for a musician, that is -- we selected him as the first time travel test subject. Had we only known what a mistake we'd made! We would have been better off using a chimp!"

According to researchers who have utilized sophisticated neutron technology to gaze backwards along the time stream, Majors immediately began changing history -- rock history, that is. "We should have known the bastard had something up his sleeve," lamneted the spokesman. "He had us fooled all along." While scientists in the present stood helplessly by, Majors began to play gigs at rock concert venues of the 1960s, beginning with the Fillmore East.

Researchers in the present began seeing the effects almost immediately. "Playbills and concert posters, record albums and other surviving rock memorabilia from the 1960s that had featured the bands of the era now began turning up with Huntington Majors on the cover.. On concert dates when rock acts played the Fillmore East, the playbill has changed to state a variety of different band names featuring Huntington Majors, such as New Soul Children of the Electric Dream, Loud Gig, New York Whale, Electric Frankenstein Guitar, Mere Anarchy, and other absurd names of that sort."

Scientists began to grow extremely concerned when movie footage of the original Woodstock Music Festival showed Huntington Majors instead of Jimi Hendrix playing the Star Spangled Banner on a different Stratocaster. "Everything had changed, including the Strat," said an interviewee who said his name was "Oz," stating that he was a rock musician working for the Defense Department in an advisory capacity on the matter. "Even Hendrix's Strat was different. From photographic evidence it's clear that Majors is playing his '95 Super Strat back in the summer of '69."

While officials at the secret facility continue to be hopeful that Majors will soon return to the present, other observers are less optimistic.

"The mad scientists have screwed everything up by sending Huntington Majors back to the '60s," one record industry spokesman interviewed for this article stated. "He's what I'd call a loose boulder on the rockpile. He could start an avalanche. A very loud avalanche."

ROCKER IS GIVEN FRAMPTON'S TRANSPLANTED CHEST

webmaster@huntingtonmajors.net — 9 JAN 2011 07:51:54 GMT

By Marilynn Mansions

Rocker Huntington Majors was cloned Peter Frampton's old chest. The chest, lost circa 1980, was restsored by bioengineering gene-altered tomato and oregano plants. Majors received the chest transplant in an experiment to assist science.

"Frampton's chest looks a little wimpy, but it's hairy like mine. I thought that the girls would dig it, especially if everybody knew that it was actually Frampton's chest that was surgically removed and grafted onto my own torso," said Huntington Majors after the operation.

What's next? Frampton's face, maybe?

"Nahh," Majors said. "I never wanna be that cute. I have to live in South Brooklyn."